The Goldthorpe Salver

On Monday, the 7th of September, our Glorious Leader lead a party of seven ( M Webb, Duck, Sugden W.A.,Jonty and the Judge) to Kirby Lonsdale golf club which represented a huge change from the parched wastes of West Yorkshire courses, being soft and verdant. .

Due to the fact that we were seven in number even the Glorious look leader couldn’t contrive a sensible team competition so we played individual Stableford. Stand out performers were Duck with 36 and Jonty who achieved a very impressive 37 points.

Following the golf, we repaired to Crooklands hotel, Milnthorpe which turned out to be very comfortable and served a very passable dinner although the waitress was unable to differentiate between a steak and kidney pie and a lasagne.

 

On the morning of Tuesday, the 8th of September we set off on the challenging journey through the Lake District to Seascale golf club.

 

On our arrival at Seascale Sambo revealed some shattering news. On the way to the club he had received in his car a telephone call from Jonty who confessed, some 18 hours after the event, that he had signed for an incorrect score at Kirby Lonsdale as he had taken his shot allowance from the white rather than the yellow card. The consequence of this was that he had actually scored two fewer points than he had signed for.

A furore ensued. Some thought that this was an innocent oversight for which there should be no penalty. The judge robustly took the view that it was blatant cheating and that he must be disqualified. Webb went further and insisted that Jonty be sent home immediately.

Because of the competing points of view, it was decided that a decision should be deferred until the following day when Charles Webb our properly qualified referee had arrived and could give a verdict.

 

 The seven of us then played in hurricane Force winds, and a deluge of only five minutes duration which nonetheless completely soaked everyone;  once the squall had passed however  the sun came out and everyone dried off.

The course was an extremely difficult test particularly when playing into the gale force winds.

Sambo seemed to be unaffected by the conditions and scored an extremely impressive 35 points, five more than the Judge who was his nearest challenger. Drake in complete contrast to his form the day before managed only 19 points and complained bitterly that all his rhythm had been blown away and he stood absolutely no chance in the Salver.

He achieved a despondency in the way that only he can.

Thornton managed 27 points which subject to the cheating related appeal to be heard the following day made him the winner of the individual competition, Sambo  being runner-up.

The party, then journey further north to check into the Golf hotel at Silloth to be greeted by an absence of hot water in the second floor rooms.  Dinner was taken in the bar and everyone was in bed by 10.15 which wouldn’t have happened 20 years ago.

Wednesday, the 9th of September dawned calm, sunny and warm, in fact, just about everything you could wish for at Silloth. There was a moderate breeze, but nothing to compare with with Seascale the previous day.

A few people played a few holes in the morning followed by a compulsory spell of milling around. The balance of the party arrived at lunchtime necessitating a fairly frantic journey through all our various rituals which included, once Liddy had arrived the opening of the book. It must be born in mind that Liddy commenced his task having just got out of his car and completely unaware of individuals’ performances over the previous two days. Accordingly, he set odds for Jonty at 22/1 on the basis that Jonty is historically useless and not knowing that his golf has turned a corner and he is now striking it majestically and has as many shots as he feels inclined to award himself.  The result of this was that everyone put as much money on John as they were allowed to, a state of affairs that would have had catastrophic results for Liddy were Jonty to win.

Following the placing of bets and all the draws Charles gave his considered view on the Kirby Lonsdale cheating scandal and opined that in the particular circumstances of this matter no penalty should be incurred thereby enabling Jonty to retain his winnings from the previous day.

In accommodating conditions, the scoring for the first round was better than in recent years. Mike Dyson led the way with 36 points which surprised no one. The erstwhile  Kirkheaton strangler who had shown very little form of late also return 36 points. Close behind came Charles Webb on 34, Drake on 33 and Butterworth and Mike Webb on 32. With Sampson and Liddiment on 30, it meant that eight players were within six points of the lead.

A concerning aspect of the afternoon, however, was the retirement of Alan Haigh after seven Hills. He was playing with Thomas and Webb M and was experiencing some difficulty breathing when he was persuaded by his partners to return to the clubhouse. Entirely typically this most doughty of competitors was reluctant to leave the course, but it was plainly the right thing to do. Happily an afternoon’s rest enabled him to recover to attend the dinner that night with no apparent ill effect and also to compete the following day.

Dinner was at the golf club as is now customary on our first day. The water crisis at the hotel had not been resolved thus several showered at the golf club, an exercise which involved Jonty misplacing his trousers and having to attend the dinner in the Judge’s golf trousers.

It was felt that the meal was not quite up to the golf clubs usual standard, but that did not distract from everyone’s overall enjoyment. Following the meal, more betting and the draw, the Glorious leader paid a tribute to John Shires and also thanked his daughter Emma plus Mike Dyson and Charles Webb for resuscitating the website. Sambo also advised that for ease of communication a Silloth WhatsApp group will be created.

 

The weather forecast for Thursday, the 10th of September was extremely alarming but thankfully until after we had completed our rounds, there was next to none of the promised rain, just a strong wind from the south-west.

A morning teatime  proved to be very convenient as we were not preceded by hordes of geriatric four balls (although that is exactly what we have become ).

As  has been mentioned the leaderboard was very tight at the top and there was also a great deal of competition for GOAT, featuring Chris Durrans, the massively under performing Jonty and Fixby captain elect Rupert Shires who seemed to be weighed down by anxiety of impending high office. For the first time in living memory Andrew Sugden was not in the bottom three, a feat which could not be attributed to any diligence on his part having played less than five times since last year’s trip.

The most heartening aspect of the morning’s golf however, was the return to fitness and form of Alan Haigh who ultimately returned a very commendable 29 points to ensure middle of the table respectability.

Bill Butterworth, Liddy and Dyson all failed to capitalise on their promising first rounds. The Judge improved by five points, Sambo, after a very encouraging front nine fell away to return 31 points. Charles Webb surprised many by returning two points fewer than his first round 34.

Sugden fell away alarmingly, if not entirely surprisingly, from but Goatdom was avoided due to Durrans compiling an abject 15 points which secured the abomination of the Goat waistcoat for successive years.

Wilcox defied his critics, of whom there were quite a few, by adding a 32 to the previous days 36 points, but it quickly became clear but the battle at the top of the leaderboard was between Drake and Webb M. They had scored 32 points on the first day and both returned scores of 37 on the second ‘. As Webb had the better back nine of 21 points, it appeared that with both of them tying on 69 points, Webb’s back nine would secure both the Salver and the Sugden Tankard.

However a second controversy now raised its head.

In the first round Drake was searching for his ball which was eventually found in rough. In the absence of a suitable marker, Drake tossed the water bottle that he was carrying in the general direction of his ball to make sure that it didn’t get lost again. Unhappily  the water bottle landed on the ball and moved it. Drake decided that he had to call a penalty on himself., a completely selfless gesture that might not have occurred to several of the competitors but one that was absolutely typical of one of the most honest golfers ever to traversed the hallowed fairways of this remote Cumbrian outpost.

No one including Webb M thought that it was right that Drake should be penalised in these circumstances. The esteemed referee Charles took a similar view and everyone was happy to agree that Drake’s first round score should be altered to 33 points thereby giving him an overall score of 70 to win the Salver by one. Justice was done, a few pints were consumed with lunch and we left the clubhouse to variously have a nap in the hotel or play bowls, an enterprise that was thwarted by the closure of the green due to the downpour that had started almost as soon as we had finished our round.

Seeking further entertainment, Wilcox and Webb C went on a pub crawl (of the two pubs in Silloth) and also took the opportunity to inspect the Balmoral Hotel which in their view was superior in every respect to the Golf hotel, but sadly lacked sufficient rooms to be any use to us.

Dinner that night took place in the very familiar surroundings of the main dining room which is unaltered in every respect since it replaced the Butler cabin. Even the crumbling plaster work on the wall nearest the door has been carefully preserved for posterity.

The meal itself was pretty much as one would expect although it now appears that it is compulsory for everyone to conclude with a trio of ice creams.

All in all, it was an extremely successful trip. The weather was kind throughout the four days, the only casualty of it was the bowling.

A sign of the times was that no one suggested that we should revert to playing 36 holes in one day. The present format of 18 holes on the first afternoon and 18 holes the following late morning seems to be the best format that can be devised. The only drawback is that the draws and sweeps have to be conducted on the first lunchtime and are necessarily rushed robbing them of some of the humour that used to accompany them when they took place at the conclusion of the first dinner.