The Goldthorpe Salver
2024 Report
Champeen John Liddiment
Runner-up John Shires
Goat Chris Broadbent
Best 1st Round Alan Haigh*
Tim Sugden Tankard Bill Butterworth
Best 2nd Round Jonty Thornton**
Nearest Pin 1st Round Chris Durrans
Nearest Pin 2nd Round Chris Broadbent
Longest Drive 1st Round John Drake
Longest Drive 2nd Round Mike Dyson
Lost Ball Sweep Chris Broadbent (71)
Champion Sweep Rupert Shires
Goat Sweep Jonty Thornton
* Excluding Champion & Runner-up
** Excluding Tim Sugden Tankard winner
While 2024 marked a departure from the long-standing tradition of playing the Salver over 36 holes on the same day, little else changed. Bad shots outnumbered the good, balls were lost, pints were supped, bottles of wine were consumed, food of varying quality was eaten, ailments were discussed, tall tales were told and much fun was had.
It all ended with John Liddiment a four-time Champion, Bunty a four-time Goat and Bill Butterworth a first-time winner of the Tim Sugden Tankard.
Monday, September 2, 2024 - Ulverston GC
An advance party of six returned to Ulverston for the first time since 2021. There should have been seven, but the Judge had to pull out at almost the last moment after his wife, Vanessa, ruptured her achilles tendon playing a particularly strenuous game of padel and was rendered completely immobile. There are one or two Goldthorpe Salver competitors who might have left her to get on with it at home alone, but - thankfully for her - Roger is a rather more sympathetic and dutiful husband and stayed back in Almondbury for the entire week to take care of her.
Sad though it was that the Judge was absent, his compassionate decision had its upsides. It's a great deal easier to devise a competition format with six players rather than seven, and it also meant that were he to win the Salver again later in the week, we would not have to put up with his Honour's interminable blatherings about the evils of alcohol.
An old folly at Ulverston
With steady rain all the way on the journey to south west Cumbria, the prospects for play were hardly auspicious, but thankfully John Drake made such a cobblers of working out how long it would take him to drive from Southowram that he arrived only a minute before our allotted tee time. That allowed us to tee off later, and therefore miss the worst of the weather. In fact by the fifth hole the drizzle had stopped completely and a watery sun had appeared. Despite the rain - and one of the wettest summers in memory in those parts - the course was in fine condition and the greens were surprisingly fast.
Webb in trouble in the quarry
Highlights of the contest between ex-footballers and ex-hockey players included a nett one for Jonty Thornton on the par three 5th (somehow he received two shots), and Mike Webb failing to drive over the quarry on the 17th and taking three to get out. Normally Webb plays well on the first day and then gets progressively worse throughout the week, and he was hopeful that this year the pattern would be reversed. Alas, he was to be disappointed: his golf was distinctly average throughout. On the other hand Drake was in fine form and led the hockey players to a resounding victory.
And perhaps the most heartening aspect of the afternoon was that our Glorious Leader had made a welcome recovery from the various leukaemia-related ailments that at one time had appeared to threaten his participation, and was able to play a full role in his side's victory - albeit in a buggy. Churlish suggestions from the vanquished that he ought to be subjected to a drugs test before the result was ratified were summarily dismissed.
Ex-Huddersfield Hockey Club (Drake 38, Haigh 30, Sampson 34), beat Ex-Huddersfield Amateurs FC 73 (J Shires 33, M Webb 24, Thornton 34) by 82 points to 73.
Later, over a decent dinner at the nearby Dunes Hotel, Drake put his late arrival at the course down to a malfunctioning satnav. However further questioning elicited the truth: he hasn't got the first clue how it works.
Tuesday, September 3, 2024 - Windermere GC
It had been several years since the advance party had played at Windermere, long enough for some of us to forget what a truly picturesque course it is. At only 4,886 yards off the yellow tees, it's undeniably short, and with no bunkers but plenty of rocks and blind shots it's also undeniably quirky. But any shortcomings are more than compensated by the spectacular views of the fells that surround the nearby lake.
It helped that it was a glorious morning, and despite the recent rain that had actually forced its closure the previous day, the course was in very decent condition. It was, however, still extremely soggy underfoot and presented a stern test, especially since its low slope index meant that far fewer shots were received.
Credit must go to your humble correspondent, whose gross 75 included two birdies, and to De
Sambeau, who - with buggies banned - successfully tackled the hilly terrain with the aid of just a trolley and contributed to a one point victory for his team.
Haigh (31), J Shires (35) & Sampson (25) beat M Webb (26), Drake (28) & Thornton (32) by 75 points to 74.
The original intention, after a scenic drive through the Lake District, had been to dine at Silloth Golf Club, but plans had to be revised when it was discovered that the kitchen was closed. Despite Wilcox - who'd arrived in the early evening along with Butterworth and Broadbent - insisting that there was a new and well reviewed tapas restaurant somewhere in the town, no one was inclined to believe him on the grounds that he quite often talks a load of bollocks, and we ate at the Golf Hotel instead. To be fair to him subsequent investigation proved that he was entirely correct. The restaurant is called The Bank of Silloth, and is in fact just round the corner from the hotel. It might well be worth a visit in future years.
Wednesday lunchtime
Wednesday, September 4, 2024
Despite the fact that dinner at the hotel had been entirely satisfactory, the simultaneous appearance of nine golfers at breakfast the next morning appeared to throw the kitchen into utter confusion. Even though the Glorious Leader's order was taken first by the smiling young waitress, he was the last to get served - and his poached eggs were so hard he could have used them later on the first tee. "I'm not having those again," said Captain Cantankerous. "Good idea," replied the waitress.
Others had different complaints. Cold baked beans, flabby bacon, toast soggy and only browned on one side, coffee like petrol. Some, including your webmeister, vowed to stick to cereal for the next two days.
With the first round of the Salver due to be played in the afternoon after the majority had decided that a competition played over 36 holes on one day was no longer feasible, discussion centred on who would do what that morning.
In the event only Bunty opted to sit out golf entirely - a choice that Webb likened to Emma Radacanu's recent decision to eschew all tournaments in the run-up to the US Open, and which also ended in utterly predictable disappointment.
Wilcox and Jonty played 6 holes, De Sambeau and Bill drove their buggy back after 9, and only Drake, Shires J and Webb M went the whole way round. Drake maintained his impressive form to be only two over par after the front nine, Webb played a great deal better than the previous two days, and Shires came back in 23 points to finish with 38 points, accurately predicting that he'd wasted his best golf on the practice round.
Result: J Shires 38, Drake 36, M Webb 34 (No other scores are recorded because incomplete rounds are not worthy of mention - Ed.)
At least Bunty wasn't entirely idle that morning. He played bowls with Wilcox, but in a foretaste of what was to come, lost 21-18.
At lunch, taken in glorious sunshine on the clubhouse veranda, the draw was made for the first round of the Salver that afternoon, while Liddy, who'd just arrived with Rupert, Durrans, Dyson and Frank, opened the book.
The tournament itself got under way under virtually cloudless skies, with an easterly breeze - behind us on the first - theoretically making the front nine a relatively simple proposition, but the inward nine a somewaht stiffer challenge. Some found it slightly easier than others. Liddy led the way with 35, with Shires J two points behind, while Alan, Duck and Jonty all broke 30. But with just 10 points separating the top 11, the identity of the winner was anything but a foregone conclusion.
The same could hardly be said of the Goat Prize. With a paltry eight points - 12 behind 2nd to last Wilcox - Chris Broadbent not only had one arm in the Peruvian waistcoat, he was just about fastening the buttons.
Blue skies over the Solway
First round scores: Liddiment 35, J Shires 33, Haigh 32, Drake 31, Thornton 30, Durrans 29, M Webb 27, Dyson 27, Butterworth 25, Sampson 25, R Shires 25, Wilcox 20, Broadbent 8.
Dinner at the golf club was notable for a fine meal provided by chef Liam, and for the various sweep draws, surpassed in their complexity only by that for the football World Cup. Several wine glasses filled with little bits of paper were passed round the table and through some strange osmosis, with the little bits of paper mysteriously moving from one glass to another, it was apparently decided that your correspondent would yet again return from the week penniless.
DeSambeau devising the fiendishly complicated draws
Finally - after more bets had been laid and the the lost ball sweep completed - it was decided that in view of a slightly dodgy weather forecast for Thursday afternoon, it was prudent to play the second round of the Salver in the morning.
Thursday, September 5, 2024
Following a breakfast delivered with improved speed but no greater quality, competitors assembled on the putting green for the traditional team photograph. By then Andrew Sugden had turned up from Menorca, though initially - as he was dressed in a scruffy rugby jersey and dirty trousers - it was thought he might have been one of the decorators refurbishing the exterior of the clubhouse.
His decision to miss the first round and stay in Huddersfield for a cricket league meeting the night before (and not repeat the lunacy of the double round trip he'd made in both of the previous two years) was a wise one. He was to lose eight balls in the process of amassing the same number of points, and had he played both rounds he might well have been donning his own waistcoat again.
As it happened, all three of what Webb uncharitably called " the idiot group" - Broadbent, Wilcox and WAS - found the middle of the first fairway, although it must be said that Andrew's effort had considerable assistance after landing on the path through the middle of the heather. Bunty actually maintained his improvement to record 22 points, but the gap to Wilcox was just too big to make up.
Incidentally Bunty was to take home another rather more prestigious prize. His tee shot on the par three ninth was initially deemed to be equidistant to the hole as John Drake's, but Duck, who's a thoroughly decent chap and in any case had already smashed the longest drive in the first round, generously conceded that perhaps his ball was just a couple of millimetres further away.
At the sharp end of the tournament Drake himself was well in contention after racking up 21 points over the outward nine to take the 27 hole lead, but it all fell apart when he played the wrong ball on the 10th. Utterly discombobulated, he managed only 8 points coming home to finish where he'd started the round, in fourth place.
Meanwhile the strong wind - again from the East - had a predictable effect on the scoring. No one improved on the first round, with Shires J, Alan, Duck and Jonty all finishing with 29 points. Liddy actually thought he'd blown it too when he dumped his drive on the 17th into a dreadful lie in thick heather short of the fairway, but somehow he hacked out to grab another two points to remain clear, and in the end finished three ahead of the field.
The Champeen surveys the battle for nearest the pin
Bill Butterworth defied his creaking knee, which will probably require an operation in the not too distant future, to take home the Tim Sugden Tankard with the best score of the second round, and special mention should also be made of Jonty, who recorded an improbable nett albatross on the formidable Hogsback, chipping in for a gross birdie and five precious points. Like Liddy, he made the most of his generous handicap allowance, and finished a creditable fifth. However the less said about Wilcox, who shanked a sand iron into Bunty's buggy on the 17th, the better.
With official proceedings done and dusted by Thursday lunchtime, there was still time for the intrepid trio of Shires, Webb and Drake to play a further12 holes in the afternoon, while another quartet returned to the town bowling green, where Rupert and Durrans trounced Wilcox and Bunty 21-11.
***
A fortnight earlier we had, as usual, pre-ordered our meals at the traditional dinner in the Criffel Room at the Golf Hotel, and thankfully the Glorious Leader had made meticulous record of the orders, otherwise mayhem would surely have ensued.
As it was, everyone got what they'd wanted, and generally the meal was well received. What's more the hotel management had made good on their promise to bring in more bottles of the most prestigious vintages on their wine list - probably by popping down to the local co-op.
When Sambo then announced that there would be a short comfort break before "a discussion about what we should do going forward," Webb's suggestion - "maybe have some lessons" - probably wasn't what he had in mind. Instead he was anxious to find out whether we wanted to keep the same format and dates in 2025. The general consensus was that the Wednesday and Thursday of the following week - the 10th & 11th of September - would be better. However that plan has now been scuppered by the discovery that Silloth is hosting another event on the Thursday that week and is unable to accommodate us. Watch this space.
As always the official business concluded with Liddy's announcement that as a result of some sort of financial jiggery pokery the book had finished completely even: £120 wagered and £120 paid out. It must be witchcraft.
Even more thanks than usual must go to the Supreme Being, who has defied a serious bout of ill health with stoic good grace and humour (apart from breakfast on Wednesday), not to mention his customary efficiency. Thanks to him it all goes pretty much like clockwork, and all we have to do is turn up and enjoy it.
Which we do..... immensely.
FINAL STANDINGS
1 Liddiment 35 + 30 = 65
2 Shires J 33 + 29 = 62
3 Haigh 32 + 29 = 61
4 Drake 31 + 29 = 60
5 Thornton 30 + 29 = 59
6 Durrans 29 + 28 = 57
7 Butterworth 25 + 31 = 56
8 Webb 27 + 28 = 55
9 Dyson 27 + 27 = 54
10 Sampson 25 + 23 = 48
11 Shires R 25 + 21 = 46
12 Wilcox 20 + 23 = 43
13 Broadbent 8 + 22 = 30
14 Sugden NA + 8