STORM OVER PROF'S NO-SHOW

September 6, 2010 -  Several Goldthorpe Salver competitors have expressed anger and astonishment after discovering that Professor Charles Webb won't be turning up to Silloth until lunchtime on Thursday - even though the dates of the tournament have been altered specifically to allow him to compete!
"That's gratitude for you," said wire industry magnate Chris Sampson. "He begs organisers to put the event back a week, so we'll all need miners' lamps to finish, and then he doesn't even bother to turn up! I can't be messed around like this; I've got men to sack," he added.
Amongst others who'd made considerable sacrifices to accommodate Webb's request for a change of dates were garden designer Mark Wilcox, who's been forced to cancel a trip to the Harrogate Autumn Flower Show, and Andrew Sugden, who'd originally planned to start his annual winter hibernation on September 12.
"If I go to sleep during dinner this year at Silloth, we'll all know who to blame," yawned Sugden.
And reigning champion Rupert Shires, who campaigned vigorously against the date change, was so cross when he heard the news that he stamped his little feet.
So far there's been no explanation for Webb's no-show. "We demand answers," said Silloth Supremo, Mark Nicholson.

"I'M NOT GAY" - BUNTY SPEAKS OUT
September 2, 2010    Foreign resident Chris Broadbent has issued an astonishingly frank personal statement refuting allegations circulating on the internet about his sexuality.
The rumours - disseminated widely in the blogosphere - appear to have been initiated by reports on Goldthorpesalver.com, which revealed that on more than one occasion he had shared a twin room at the Golf Hotel in Silloth with flower enthusiast Mark Wilcox. A recent photograph (left) showing him sporting wraparound sunglasses and wearing a tight fitting white linen shirt only added fuel to the firestorm of rumour and innuendo.
His statement read: "While it is true that I have shared a twin room with Wilcox in the past, I would categorically refute any allegations of an improper relationship with either him or any other man.
To prove it, I have been married not once, but twice. These rumours are utterly false and deeply distressing. I do not bat for the other side, and even if I did, I would not be doing so with Wilcox."
The affair bears a striking resemblance to the controversy surrounding Foreign Secretary William Hague, who's issued a similar statement following revelations that he'd shared a twin room with one of his personal advisors.
Meanwhile Goldthorpe Salver officials have responded to the situation by booking single rooms at the Golf Hotel at this year's event later this month. "Our competitors are not only highly tuned athletes, but also well respected members of the community - well, at least some of them are," said Salver supremo Mark Nicholson. "We cannot afford to have their good names besmirched by malicious tittle-tattle."

SUGDEN IN SPOT BETTING SCAM
September 1, 2010     Andrew Sugden has allegedly been implicated in a spot betting scandal ahead of this year's Goldthorpe Salver.
A sting mounted by the News Of The World newspaper has uncovered evidence that illegal bookmakers from the Indian subcontinent were intending to target the prestigious event at Silloth later this month.
Video footage released by the newspaper shows an Asian middleman claiming that upon receipt of large wads of cash, Sugden WA will deliberately hit his drive at the first hole into that little patch of thick grass just 15 yards to the left of the front of the tee. 
Salver supremo Mark Nicholson has discounted the allegations. "It just doesn't stack up," he said. "Anyone expecting large odds on the spot betting market for such an eventuality, thereby hoping to make a killing, clearly doesn't know much about Andrew Sugden's golf. That's where he's hit every drive off the first tee for the last 19 years - and we have photographic evidence to prove it." (see left)
And the Goldthorpe Salver's bookmaker, John Liddiment, also questioned the newspaper's claims. "It's such a dead cert, I've even stopped taking bets on it," he said.



COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE!
August 17, 2010   Regulars to the site will have noticed a major hiatus in service, due once again to the abject laziness of your webmeister. But now, with the Goldthorpe Salver almost exactly a month away, he has been stirred into action, and offers apologies, plus the following update.

It's been a momentous summer for C.P.Webb. In his capacity as Visiting Lecturer in Corporate Entertainment Studies at Huddersfield University, Professor Webb was invited to China to give his thoughts to a major hospitality symposium. We have it on good authority that his paper, "How to drink a gallon and a half of Guinness at the Cheltenham Festival and remain upright" was generally - though not universally - well received (see picture, right).
Unfortunately his return journey - via a brief sojourn with Mike Dyson in Abu Dhabi - was interrupted by the volcanic ash cloud, which tested his logistical capabilities to the hilt. After much arm waving Professor Webb finally arrived back in Blighty by train via Turkey, Austria, Germany and Belgium.
The experience clearly did not affect his golf, as he later achieved a liftetime's ambition of being pulled to scratch. Sadly he never played to it. Despite recording the best gross score at Fixby's Captain's Weekend (and helping his scratch team to success in the Huddersfield and Halifax Union Team Championship), the professor is now back off 1.

Big Mick Webb's golf has recently taken a turn for the better. A round of 74 gross in the Rabbits Captain's Day at Huddersfield GC means his handicap has been reduced to 7. This represents a major recovery after a humiliating experience earlier in the summer at Woodsome Hall - a course he regularly belittles as "nothing more than a pitch and putt". Webb was playing in the Huddersfield Amateurs Annual Golf Competition, and was fully expected - not least by himself - to be a major contender and a likely winner. But this was the day Woodsome took its revenge, as the veteran solicitor managed a paltry total of only 21 Stableford points. Unfortunately no goat prize was on offer. The event was won by defending Goldthorpe Salver champion Rupert Shires - further evidence, according to Webb, that The Beast is a bandit.

Little is known of Sudgen W.A's activities this summer, apart from a report that he was seen sleeping on the first tee at Fixby before the Huddersfield Solicitors v Accountants Competition. According to one witness: "He was sat bolt upright, arms folded, with his head on his chest." Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

John Liddiment has once again been seen having lessons with WHGC pro John Eyre, but given that he's apparently contemplating asking the committee to remove the in-course out-of-bounds between the 8th and 9th fairways, they don't seem to be working.

Bizarrely Mark Wilcox has been playing quite well recently, although it has to be said he hasn't played very much due to the fact that he's always on holiday, spending his ill-gotten gains.

Peter Butler's body is now so decrepit that he's refusing to join the advance party at Penrith. In fact he wants to hire a buggy at Silloth.

John Drake celebrated his 60th birthday in June, with several Salver competitors invited to a 'do' at his mountaintop retreat in Southowram. Sadly - due to excessive consumption - few can remember much about it, apart from Wilcox making an a*se of himself during Chris Sampson's speech. Sambo, incidentally, has been showing signs of finding his form on the golf course, with several creditable performances in medals, and second place (with HGC President David Balderstone) in the McGill Bowl on Invitation Day at Woodsome.
Meanwhile Drake is embarking on a new business venture - brewing his own beer! The six times Goldthorpe Salver champion is converting the business premises from where he's previously ruled his water pump re-conditioning empire, into a micro-brewery (No, he really is! Ed).
Drake - pictured here after tasting one of his own experimental brews - is acknowledged to be something of an expert on real ale, largely as a result of consuming vast quantities of it - and industry analysts believe his entry into the brewing business will send shockwaves throughout the industry. However others say it's just a cynical attempt to gain free entry to the Silloth Beer Festival (£7 a ticket last year), should it ever again coincide with the Goldthorpe Salver. Rumours that his premium brew is to be called "Drunken Duck" have yet to be confirmed.

Chris Durrans was also delayed by the volcanic ash cloud whilst returning from a business trip in China. The Chinese are said to have been mightily relieved when he was finally able to return home.

The Judge recently won the Old Rishworthians Golf Tournament. Modestly he told Golthorpesalver.com: "It was nothing really. The rest of them were pretty hopeless." An accurate assessment, since Wilcox was also playing in the event.

Charles Kaye took time out from masterminding the Tories' General Election campaign to play at Silloth in a Huddersfield Hockey Club competition earlier this summer. No word has reached us about how he performed, so we can only assume the worst.

John Shires was extremely worried that a nett 67 in a recent medal at WHGC might have jeopardised his chances of another Salver victory. Happily it wasn't quite enough for his handicap to be reduced.

More to follow....

LOAD OF BALLS
August 17, 2010     Competitors in this year's Goldthorpe Salver will have to use a revolutionary new German golf ball.
It's produced by Adidas, the German sportsgear company responsible for the controversial Jabulani ball (pictured, right) used in this year's football World Cup. Like the Jabulani, which was thought to have given the German national team an advantage in South Africa, the new golf ball has been trialled extensively in domestic competitions in Germany, and its imposition on Goldthorpe Salver entrants is being seen as a thinly veiled attempt to give German competitors an edge at this year's event - which is being held shortly after the UK celebrates the 70th anniversary of victory in the Battle of Britain.
"They're clearly out for revenge," said Squadron Leader Mark "Nicko" Nicholson, Honorary Secretary of the Goldthorpe Salver Golf Society. "However, their cunning plan is doomed to failure because they've overlooked one simple fact. There are no German competitors at this year's event. A Belgian, perhaps, but no Hun."
"Was ist.....?" said Herr Adolf Hilter, Führer...er...head of the German Golf Association. "Scheiße! Where is that fat fool Goering......?"

 

ICELAND "STILL A POSSIBILITY"
August 16, 2010   Iceland still hasn't been ruled out as a possible venue for the Goldthorpe Salver's 30th anniversary celebrations, according to sources close to the Icelandic government.
The eruption of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano earlier this summer was thought to have put paid to any lingering hopes that the island might host the prestigious tournament in 2011, but tourist chiefs remain optimistic.
"We have taken advice from our country's top vulcanologist, the head of the Seismology Department at Reykjavik University, Dr Mjark Wilcoxsson," said one unnamed source. "Dr Wilcoxsson (pictured above) assures us that all seismic activity has now ceased, and there's absolutely no reason why golf cannot resume in Iceland."

WILCOX A WINNER IN PORTUGAL
May 26, 2010     Mark Wilcox has returned from a week's golf in Portugal as a winner - but unfortunately NOT on the golf course.
Bizarrely, a snap of him - forwarded by Bunty - was judged to be the winner of the Best Photograph at the Vale do Lobo Open Foursomes, in which Wilcox and wife Suzanne were competing.
More photographs - though thankfully not all of Wilcox - can be seen at http://www.valedolobo.com/golf/open-foursomes/ 
Bunty has made no reference to the Kirkheaton Strangler's golf, from which it may be deduced that once again he has returned home a loser.


SUPREMO IN US AIRPORT DRAMA
March 2, 2010        Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson has narrowly escaped jail in the USA, according to a recent posting on the Goldthorpe Salver Forum.
On a recent visit to stay with US resident Andy Matheson, El Supremo was apprehended trying to enter America with six packets of Hartleys finest fruit jelly mix in his luggage.
The drama began when, after consulting with his compatriot and fellow traveller Andy Haigh, Nicholson decided to declare the jelly to US Customs and Immigration officials soon after landing at Orlando International Airport in Florida.
According to eye-witnesses, he told them: "I have six packets of jelly in my suitcase." The admission immediately sparked a major security alert; the airport was closed to incoming and outgoing flights, and ringed by a security cordon manned by Florida State troopers and members of the National Guard armed with machine guns and anti-tank missiles.
Nicholson himself was arrested, handcuffed, pistol-whipped, dressed in an orange jumpsuit and interrogated by an elite CIA anti-terrorist unit, flown down from their HQ at Langley in Virginia.
"The problem seems to have been in my use of the word 'jelly'," said Nicholson. "It appears that to our cousins across the Atlantic 'jelly' is slang for the explosive gelignite. If I'd said 'Jell-O' - which is what jelly's apparently called over there - I might have got away with it.
"Instead I was held in a cell for eight hours, subjected to sensory deprivation, and threatened with  extraordinary rendition to a US base in the Czech Republic, where I was to be water-boarded and gang-raped until I told them where Osama Bin Laden is hiding."
"Gee, we sure are sorry," said Capt Hank Studebaker Jr III, the head of the Homeland Security Unit at Orlando International. "It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding."
The experience is not thought to have jeopardised Nicholson's participation in this year's Salver, though he has apparently asked that jelly be taken off the dinner menu at the Golf Hotel.
"It will bring back too many painful memories," he explained.
The incident does leave one question hanging in the air. What was he doing with six packets of Hartley's Finest Fruit Jelly mix in the first place?

WEBB WINS OVER DATE CHANGE
November 10, 2009     The 2010 Goldthorpe Salver has been moved back a week, to allow Tiger Webb to win it again.
Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson has backed down after being bombarded by an e-mail from Webb demanding a change, and the tournament will now be played on Thursday & Friday, September 16 & 17, 2010. Webb has immediately been installed as an odds-on favourite to lift the Salver next year.
Reigning champion Rupert Shires has stamped his feet and reacted angrily to the news, describing it as a spineless decision designed solely to prevent him achieving back to back victories.
"So Little Charlsie has a chat with a fat, bald, bearded, middle aged Swedish musician, and Western civilisation summarily dumps the Gregorian calendar!," he exaggerated wildly. Meanwhile Nicholson has asked competitors to confirm their availability by e-mailing him at  marktownfan1@btinternet.com as soon as possible so that he can firm up arrangements with the Golf Hotel.

WEBB DEMANDS CHANGE OF DATE
November 2, 2009   Charles "Tiger" Webb is demanding that Silloth 2010 is put back a week - so that he can participate in the event again.
Webb, whose handicap recently plummetted to 1 after an impressive performance for Huddersfield GC in the Yorkshire Team Championships First Division, has complained to the Goldthorpe Salver website that he is being "robbed" of appearing, since on the provisional dates of September 9 & 10, he is once again poncing about at the BBC Proms in the Park.
"I feel this is a cynical attempt to deny me the chance to claim more Salver victories and I see no reason why the tournament should not return to its traditional third week in September slot," he says.
Webb has the backing of some of his luvvie chums - including ex-Abba songster Benny Andersson.
"As an impoverished Corporate Hospitality Impresario I have to take any opportunity whenever it comes along," he said. "I can be seen here explaining to Benny that the once great Salver had degenerated to such an extent that Rupert 'the Beast' Shires had claimed victory this year."
Andersson has now agreed to intercede on Webb's behalf with Salver Supremo Mark Nicholson.
"I  am putting out this SOS because I Have A Dream that Charles will be able to play in next year's Salver. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do," he said.
"Charles has to be at next year's Party in the Park to earn some Money, Money Money, but he would far rather be at Silloth where The Winner Takes It All. After all we don't want someone who hits it like a Dancing Queen to win again. Mamma Mia!"
Early indications are that Webb might well get his way. "He has a point about the event being devalued by last year's winner,"said Nicholson. "We are now actively looking at the possibility of moving the Salver to September 16 & 17, 2010."
"Thank You For The Music," said Mr Andersson, somewhat bizarrely.

 FRANK IS A JOCK - OFFICIAL!
September 16, 2009    Frank Whiteley has been "outed" as a Scot, following shock revelations about his tightfistedness.
Despite living in the Scottish Borders, Whiteley has long been critical of the tartan nation, but now it's been revealed that he's the only member of this year's Goldthorpe Salver party NOT to leave his name and address at the Golf Hotel in Silloth so that staff there can invoice him for his stay.
Competitors were asked to leave their details when reception staff were unable to calculate the bill because the hotel's computer system had gone down.
Said Salver supremo Mark Nicholson: "Everyone left their names and addresses - apart from Frank.
"I know we Yorkshiremen have something of an undeserved reputation for being careful with money, but this clearly goes further than that. Obviously Frank has been living too long north of the border, and has in fact become a Jock."
When contacted by the Goldthorpe Salver website, Whiteley offered the following comment: "Hoots mon. A'm nae a Scotsman. It's a wee misunderstanding, d'ye ken?"
The Lothian and Borders Procurator Fiscal has been informed.

GOLF HOTEL ALTERATIONS - THE VERDICT
September 16, 2009   Opinion is divided about the recent alterations at the Golf Hotel in Silloth.
Phase one of the multi-million pound renovation scheme - unveiled at the recent Goldthorpe Salver - includes:

•   A new dining room
•   A completely refurbished bar area
•   New wallpaper throughout the ground floor.

Amongst those welcoming the improvements is the bloke who develops and prints photos at Lords Photography shop in Brighouse. "Thank God for that," he said. "Every September this chap comes in with several rolls of film containing hundreds of pictures all bearing a remarkable similarity to the ones he'd asked me to develop the previous year - in fact every year since 1991.
"I began to think I was either going mad or entering some kind of parallel universe, but now at last, something in the photos has changed, and I'm not a loony after all."
Leading quantum physicists are also delighted with the alterations, since they disprove the  widely held theory that the town of Silloth - and the Golf Hotel in particular - has been trapped in a time warp continuum.
But amongst those to condemn the changes is Salver stalwart Andrew Sugden (pictured). "There I was, having a quiet nap during dinner," he said, "when all of a sudden I woke up, and didn't know where I was. My surroundings were completely unrecognisable. If I hadn't been the extremely clever senior partner at Huddersfield's foremost firm of solictors, I might have been sent spiralling towards insanity.
"Fortunately, the only thing that suffered was my golf," he added.

BEAST IS NEW CHAMPION!
September 12, 2009   Rupert "The Beast" Shires won the 2009 Goldthorpe Salver at Silloth on Friday, September 11. He also became the first winner to wear a tie that didn't clash gruesomely with the famous check jacket.
Shires had a four shot lead at half way after amassing 39 points in the morning round, and his 30 points in the afternoon was just enough to hold off a strong challenge from Chris Broadbent, while Charlie Kaye - leading with three holes to play - fell away badly.
If anyone has any more photos of their own, please send them on a CD to John Shires at The Kitchen Garden, 15 Toothill Lane, Brighouse HD6 3SE.


TRIO PLEDGE BOYCOTT OVER ROOM SHARING
September 7, 2009    With less than three days until this year's event, three competitors have threatened a boycott after the publication of sleeping arrangements at this year's Goldthorpe Salver.
Chris Broadbent, John Drake and Richard Whiteley are up in arms after being paired with Mark Wilcox, Steven Sutcliffe and Andrew Sugden respectively.
"It's just not on," said Bunty. "I have been dreading the prospect of sharing with Wilcox ever since he was 'outed' as a secret pansy admirer. How can I be expected to get a wink of sleep?"
Drake has also drawn one of the tournament's short straws having been allocated a room with Sutcliffe. "It's the fear of the unexpected," he said, enigmatically.
But most sympathy has been reserved for Frank, who will become the latest in a long line of competitors to endure a night with Andrew Sugden. "The problem is," said Whiteley, "that Andrew's body clock has gone tits up. Instead of sleeping at night like a normal human being, he sleeps all day (see picture), so by the time everyone else is ready for a decent kip, he's still completely wide awake."
Previous roommates have complained of being kept up all night, and then - just when they've dropped off - being awoken again by Sugden's constant gibbering, not to mention his unpleasant bodily functions.
"Thank God I'm only there for one night," added Whiteley.

Those room allocations in full:

Webb & Shires J

Nicholson & Sampson

Broadbent & Wilcox

Thomas

Butler

Durrans & Shires R
Drake & Sutcliffe

Liddiment & Kaye

Sugden & Whiteley

BREAKAWAY THREAT AFTER 'CHEQUE IN THE POST' ROW
September 2, 2009   Threats to exclude multiple Goldthorpe Salver winner John Shires from this year's event at Silloth (see latest post in the Forum) because he has allegedly failed to pay his deposit in time have prompted threats of a breakaway event.
"It's ridiculous," said Shires. "Yet again I am the victim of the vagaries of the UK postal system, and if the Supremo fails to realise this, I will simply organise a rival event along the lines of Kerry Packer's World Series Cricket to bring him to his knees.
"It's clear that this is just an attempt to get rid of one of the Salver's more likely winners," he added (somewhat arrogantly - Ed).

BEAST TO UNDERGO GENDER TEST
August 20, 2009     Sport has been rocked by a second case of "Gendergate".
Hours after the International Athletics Association announced they are to perform gender tests on South African female athlete Caster Semenya, British golfing authorities have revealed they're to conduct similar tests on Rupert "The Beast" Shires.
Recent photographs of Semenya, the runaway winner of the Women's 800 metres title at the World Athletics Championships in Berlin, suggest that she might have detachable gonads, but while the South African is under suspicion of being a bloke, Shires is to be investigated following suggestions that he's really a lass.
Despite winning the longest drive prize at the Goldthorpe Salver last September, there's evidence that since then Shires hasn't hit a golf shot further than 160 yards.
Said the Salver's medical adviser Dr Mark Wilcox: "Notwithstanding his success at Silloth last year, and the fact that he's fathered two children, we want to make absolutely sure that Rupert is indeed a chap. After all, it beggars belief that for almost 12 months a fully grown man has been unable to propel a golf ball more than 200 yards."
The tests will involve him being asked to remove his trousers before a team of gender recognition specialists, who will shine a torch on his private parts while poking about with a long spoon.  
"It's essential that we get to the truth," said Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson. "The Goldthorpe Salver is a men's competition, and we can't have women taking part. Besides, it would throw our sleeping arrangements into disarray - although I suppose he or she could always share a room with Wilcox, our new garden design expert."

NEWS IN BRIEF
August 19, 2009   The Supremo wants £110 to cover green fees and prizes, and it's looking like six at Penrith on Wednesday, September 9 - Webb M, Shires J, Sampson, Nicholson, Butler & Kaye. Meanwhile Andrew Sugden has been honing his swing in Menorca (Swing? What Swing?..Ed), and Frank has confirmed his attendance on Friday at Silloth. Other news.... Mark "Rabbit" Wilcox's fondness for accumulating huge mountains of money has resulted him missing one of the more remarkable sporting events in Huddersfield in recent years. Wilcox took on extra patients at his Kirkheaton torture chamber on Tuesday night rather than accompanying the Supremo to watch Huddersfield Town AFC play Brighton. Result? Town 7, Brighton 1. "Serves him right, the greeder bugger," said Nicholson. Oh, and just in case we forgot to mention it before, Wilcox is a rabbit.

SUTCLIFFE'S PREPARATION "SPOT ON"
August 18, 2009    Accusations that Stephen Sutcliffe's preparations for this year's Goldthorpe Salver have been less than perfect have been rubbished by a top sports analyst.
Sooty has revealed that he has had "a long lay off", and he has been "brillo padding his battling irons ready for golf by the seaside."
"It could work wonders - you never know," he told the goldthorpesalver.com website.
His unique training methods have been questioned by some of his fellow competitors. Said Mike "Tiger" Webb: "I rarely play less than six times a week, my body is a temple, and I maintain my equipment assiduously. If Sooty really believes he can win the Salver with the sort of regime he's been following, I'll eat my toenails."
But according to leading sports analyst John "Butch" Shires, Sutcliffe (pictured here in training) could be stealing a march on his rivals.
"Tiger has missed the point completely," he said. "The question is, which prize is Sooty is aiming for? Admittedly the Salver itself might be out of reach, but given his fondness for the Goat Tie, I reckon he might have just got it absolutely spot on."

WILCOX OPTS FOR PANSIES
July 27, 2009  Questions are being asked about Mark Wilcox's sexual orientation after he cancelled a game of golf....to attend a flower show!
Wilcox had arranged to play in a Texas Scramble competition at Woodsome Hall Golf Club on Saturday, but left his playing partners John Shires and Chris Sampson high and dry.
Instead he went to the Royal Horticultural Society's Tatton Park Flower Show in Cheshire.
"It came totally out of the blue," said Shires. "We were looking forward to a convivial pint or two before an afternoon of competitive golf, when Wilcox rings me to say that he wanted to explore his more sensitive side.
"To be fair his decision might have been prompted by the realisation that he's utterly useless at golf, and it probably wouldn't have made much difference if he'd played, but all the same, it came as a bit of a shock to find out that your playing partner would rather be off sniffing roses and pansies (pictured) and exchanging banter with limp-wristed garden designers."
Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson says Wilcox's extraordinary behaviour could have implications for the forthcoming Goldthorpe Salver. "Who's going to want to share a room with him now?," he asked.

LATEST FORM GUIDE
July 27, 2009  To give punters - and bookmaker John Liddiment (motto: Don't be silly, bet with Liddy) - a helping hand, here's the latest on some of the runners and riders for this year's Salver. Wilcox is now officially a rabbit again - his handicap has risen to 16!
Drake & Shires J finished 2nd in Lightcliffe GC Invitation Day played recently at Bomb Alley. Shires also came second in the July Medal at Woodsome.
Butler & Webb M performed creditably at the Woodsome Invitation Day, finishing just outside the prizes. They then got horribly drunk. Webb tells us he also qualified for the second round of Captain's Weekend at Fixby (along with several hundred others).
Nicholson has apparently put his driver back in his bag, and Liddiment has been taking lessons from Woodsome pro John Eyre.
Sambo is back on the course after an exploratory knee operation that revealed damage not to his cartilage, but to his anterior cruciate ligament. It seems to have made little difference to his golf.
The Judge has been playing more regularly and will have an official handicap in time for Silloth, while Durrans - when he's played - has been as wayward as ever.
The Beast is now regularly thrashing his drives 190 yards down the middle. 
Bunty has probably been hoovering up prizes down on the Algarve, but that doesn't really count. Kaye was spotted on the course recently at Woodsome and tells us he's already played ar Silloth this year, but little can be gleaned about the form of either Sugden WA or Sooty - it's conceivable that neither has wielded a bat in anger since the New Year.
Apologies for any omissions/inaccuracies. Any other results/observations gratefully received.

JUST OVER TWO MONTHS TO GO!
July 6, 2009   Observant visitors to the site will have noticed a good deal of inactivity in recent months (if indeed inactivity can be noticed). This is due to extreme laziness on the part of your webmeister.
In fact much has happened since the last posting. Andrew Sugden has turned 60, Mark Wilcox has been on eight holidays, and El Supremo is back at work.
Mike Webb and John Shires have also been to Cumbria on a weekend break with their spouses, and took the opportunity to recconoitre alternative venues for Wednesday afternoon golf (see picture) and an evening meal on the way to Silloth.
For those interested, we propose playing at Penrith Golf Club, and eating at the George & Dragon, a pub about five minutes south of Penrith on the A6.
Update on entrants for 2009: Sheikh Mike-al-Dyson is unavailable - he's counting his money in the Gulf - and Charles Webb is apparently still intent on hobnobbing with the luvvies in Hyde Park. We are still trying to persuade Butler to play on Wednesday and Thursday, before heading off to his two weddings on September 11.

A tribute to Edward Hopkinson can now be found on the Valete page within the History section of the website.

SUPREMO WANTS YOUR BRASS
March 30, 2009      The time has come for Goldthorpe Salver members to dip into their pockets and part with some of their hard earned cash, according to Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson.
Mark has finally managed to contact staff at the Golf Hotel, which has been undergoing extensive renovations, and in a departure from tradition, they are asking for a deposit.
"As this is beyond the means of an impoverished banker (or should that be civil servant?)," says Nicholson, "I should be grateful if you could confirm your attendance by sending a cheque for £25, made payable to me." Remittances should be sent to his home address in Shat (ie: 8A Huddersfield Road, Skelmanthorpe, Huddersfield, HD8 9AE.)
Members might be surprised to learn that Charlie Kaye is the first man to send his money. "As we all know, this by no means guarantees his attendance, " said Nicholson. "I have been doing this job long enough to take it simply as a preliminary expression of intent."
However one regular has already ruled himself out of of this year's event. Peter Butler (seen in a rather unfortunate pose, right) has been invited to TWO weddings on Friday, September 11. "To paraphrase Wilde," said Nicholson, " to be invited to one wedding might be seen as unfortunate; to be invited to two smacks of carelessness."

ANDREW SUGDEN TO SUE HIMSELF
February 6, 2009       Top solicitor Andrew Sugden is to sue himself after a fall at work. Sugden WA tripped over his feet while ascending the stairs at Eaton Smith's offices in Huddersfield. "Because of the inclement weather, I was wearing large boots which slipped on the steps," he explained.
Sugden suffered a large gash to his head, and worried staff called an ambulance. "When I arrived on the scene," said fellow Eaton Smith partner Michael Webb, "Andrew was lying on the stairs, surrounded by staff, being tended to by paramedics, with a mobile phone clamped to his ear, talking to a client. In these troubled financial times, that's dedication.
"The paramedics wanted to cart him off to hospital, but after performing cognitive tests, they allowed him to stay at his office.
"Quite frankly," added Webb, "I was surprised, since under normal circumstances the tests were the sort Andrew could easily have failed.  You know - who are you? What's your job? etc."
As he recovered from his ordeal, Sugden revealed that he is to take the unusual step of suing himself. "I am an accomplished personal injury lawyer," he said, "and I am willing to represent myself against myself on a 'no win no fee' basis. Never mind 'no win no fee', this is a no brainer. I can't lose. In fact I might sue my boots as well.""The silly bugger can do what he likes," said Webb.

A lawyer writes: I am all in favour of legal action, since it makes me a lot of money. However the concept of suing oneself - though interesting from a legal viewpoint - is flawed. If one represents oneself against oneself, one is clearly not utilising the services of someone like me, thereby denying me the chance of trousering large wads of readies.

NEW DATE FOR BUNTY'S CAPTAIN'S DAY
December 29, 2008    Chris Broadbent has confirmed a new date for his Vagrants Golf Society Captain's Day in Portugal, and he's inviting Goldthorpe Salver regulars to join him for the festivities.
The event will now be played on the new Oceanico Faldo course - reckoned to be one of the best now on the Algarve - on Saturday, July 4, 2009.
Said Bunty: "The preference is a team of 4 but any individuals can enter and I will make these up into fourballs. There is a booking form on the website - www.vagrantsgolf.net - or alternatively anyone interested can email me.
"Total costs haven't been fully quoted as yet, but to give you an idea - last year was 150 Euros for the golf and dinner for non-members. The price will also include buggies on the Faldo, which is a buggy only course.
"Also for guests attending this world ranking event, some tee times are also booked for Friday 3rd July at 14.00 at Pinhal, and on the Sunday morning on the Millennium course at 08.02 (both these courses are near Vilamoura). Green fees will be an additional 55 Euros for each of these two courses."
Last year a team of four - Wilcox, Webb M, Shires J and Martin Roberts - took advantage of Bunty's splendid hospitality to compete in the event, flying on Easyjet from Liverpool on the Friday morning and returning to Leeds Bradford via Jet 2 on the Sunday evening. A quick check reveals that similar flights are still available and would cost around £175 per head (including golf bags).

MESSAGE FROM THE GULF 
December 16, 2008   Mike Dyson has sent the following missive to the Forum page of the website, and - although R.Shires might not agree - your editor believes it would be a pity to leave it languishing there where it might be missed. Incidentally, the picture above shows what the 5th fairway at Silloth will be like in 25 years time because of global warming.

"Hello all, just thought I'd report in from the Middle East where I have today been watching the Dubai Ladies Masters. Copies of The Beast's DVDs 'How to hit it like a lass' and 'How to be a big nobber' were selling briskly. However The Beast's latest DVD 'Nobbers & Knockers I have played a round with' was flying off the shelves faster than a Topflite lake ball flies off the face of his Hippo driver. Unfortunately the DVD title got mistranslated as 'Knobs & Knockers I have played around with' which I understand has quite a different subject matter and not one that The Beast is associated with. Not at all. Not in any way. Obviously.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all, Mike"

NICHOLSON'S SPORTS PSYCHOLOGIST QUITS
September 15      The top sports shrink who's been advising Mark Nicholson has walked away from the job after the Silloth Supremo's dismal showing in this year's Goldthorpe Salver. Nicholson finished a miserable last to take the Goat Prize, prompting sports psychologist Bob Rotella - the man behind Padraig Harrington's rise to glory - to pack his bags after less than 12 months working with Team Nicholson. "What's the f***ing point?" he was overheard saying.
During the course of this year's Salver meeting, there was plenty of evidence that Nicholson, seen here topping his drive on the 1^st, simply wasn't heeding Rotella's advice to think positively.

• The prospect of a short pitch and run at Keswick prompted the comment: "Not my favourite shot, this." He was right. He scuffed it a couple of yards.
• Facing a 9 inch putt on the 10^th at Silloth, he correctly forecast: "I can miss from here."
• Repeatedly muttering "This isn't my distance," whenever faced with a shot over 75 yards.
• 50 yards from the hill short of the 7^th with the group in front still on the green…"I'll go first. There's no way I'm going to reach from here."

Said Rotella: "I thought my biggest challenge would be to persuade him to use a metal wood off the tee, but I now realise that was the least of my problems. The reality is that's he's utterly useless."

DRUGS TEST DEMAND AFTER LONGEST DRIVE SHOCK
September 15     The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has been urged to investigate after Rupert Shires won a longest drive competition at Silloth on Solway Golf Club.
Shires - the man behind the best-selling DVD 'How To Hit Like A Lass' - took the award at the 18^th hole during the second round of this year's Goldthorpe Salver.
"It's a joke. There has to be an explanation, and drugs is the only logical answer," fumed Mike Webb, who'd been highly fancied to grab the prize until he was out-muscled by Shires - now re-christened 'The Beast'.
A delighted Shires - who also won the Tim Sugden Trophy - rubbished suggestions that the reason he won was because he was the only competitor to find the fairway. "I won it fair and square," he said. "I now intend to publish a new DVD entitled 'How To Be A Big Nobber'."
Meanwhile firemen have been called in to rescue Charles Webb - a former multiple winner of the longest drive at Silloth - from the foot of his stairs.
Webb C was absent from this year's event, but when his brother Mike sent him a text informing him of Shires' unlikely triumph, he replied "I'll go to the foot of my stairs," and he's been trapped there ever since.
Police are also investigating the mystery appearance of several bare arses in shop windows around West Yorkshire.

DRAKE IS NEW CHAMPION !

September 13, 2008     John Drake has won the Goldthorpe Salver for a record sixth time - and as you can see from the photograph, he's very happy about it. Full details will appear on the website soon. Meanwhile news items from earlier this year have been moved to the News Archive page.

SILLOTH GOLFERS CRAP AT CRICKET
















September 10, 2008   A handful of Goldthorpe Salver competitors took part in a six a side cricket tournament played at Armitage Bridge at the weekend in memory of Tim Sugden. Peter Butler donned whites for the first time in around two decades; Silloth newcomer Roger Thomas also made a comeback (though he appeared to have lost his long trousers); Mark Wilcox wore a silly hat and did daft things when photographs were taken; and Mike Webb tried to look cool.
As for the cricket, Webb wasn't as good as he thinks he is ( in fact he was quite a lot worse); Thomas bailed out early because he said his knees were cold; Butler appeared to have forgotten the basic rudiments of the game he once bestrode like a Colussus, and kept falling over; and Wilcox hit a six and also took two wickets in one over (though one of his victims was only nine years old).
The Silloth team - made up by Peter's son Kurt, Denton Guest, and a bloke in fawn trousers - didn't win, but the tournament was a huge success (despite the weather) and plans are already afoot to make it an annual event.

BUNTY TO HIRE FEMALE CADDY?
September 9, 2008     In a new twist to the row over female interference with the Goldthorpe Trophy, Chris Broadbent is said to have hired a female caddy for this year's tournament. Speaking from his luxury villa in Portugal, Bunty said: "If that idiot Wilcox can't provide a battery that will propel my trolley round 36 holes, I shall have to make alternative arrangements."
He has apparently lined up the services of his sister-in-law, Kerry (seen relaxing, left), who put in a brief appearance at the 2006 event (see 2006 photographs).
"This is despicable and not within the spirit of the competition," said Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson. "We all remember the mayhem that ensued after she turned up at lunchtime two years ago. It certainly put me off my stroke."
A further row has erupted over Bunty's alleged handicap. "His Buntyship claims to be playing off eight," spluttered Nicholson. "How can this be, when he spends all his time on the golf course?" 

WOMEN FOIL WINDERMERE WARM-UP
September 5, 2008    Mark Nicholson is refusing to take responsibility for the confusion surrounding the traditional pre-Silloth warm-up at Windermere Golf Club next Wednesday.
"It's women who are to blame," said the supremo. "Our visit clashes with a Ladies Open competition, and we would be unable to get a tee time before 4.30 pm. We're just going to have to look elsewhere."
Alternative suggestions include Kendal and Keswick - with the latter favoured by at least one of the participants as it offers the same scenic views as Windermere. However the situation hasn't pleased other Goldthorpe Salver regulars. "What's the world coming to when a venerable institution like this is mucked about by a bunch of tarts," said Chris Durrans, the mysoginistic head of the Durrans blacking empire.

Editor's note: We would like to point out that Mr Durrans does not actually play in the pre-Silloth warm-up, and would also like to disassociate ourselves from his disgraceful remarks. We are of course an equal opportunities society, and would welcome lady members - provided they pass our stringent membership qualifications. ie: being willing to share a bedroom with Andrew Sugden.   

WEBB'S WEDDING TURMOIL
August 28, 2008    Mike Webb is desperate to find out the dates of NEXT year's Goldthorpe Salver - so he can attend his own daughter's wedding! Sarah has recently become engaged to her long term boyfriend, Nick, and she's expressed an interest in getting hitched some time in mid-September 2009. "I've got a problem if it clashes with Silloth," said the selfish solicitor. "She might be the fruit of my loins, but if it comes to a choice between sinking a 20 foot putt on the 18th on the banks of the Solway to win the Salver, and chomping on wedding cake while drinking overpriced champagne at Fixby..... well, there's only one answer."
His no-nonsense attitude has met with a mixed reaction from his fellow Goldthorpe competitors.
"What a nasty man," said nice Peter Butler, while Mark Wilcox - interrupted as he was about to book his latest golf trip to Iceland - suggested that the happy couple should get married in Silloth instead.